I’m going to state right away that I’m writing this under the influence. I just got back from having an MRI (I did not drive), and I’m all kinds of relaxed from the Valium. I was so nervous about sticking my head in a tube and honestly thought of preparing for it by diving headfirst into a mummy sleeping bag but that freaked me out too much. I needed a little pick-me-up or rather a bring-me-down.

But, you know what? It’s not that bad if you keep your eyes closed (or he said). I’ll spell this out for you, in case you’ve never had an MRI before and people tell you horror stories like they told me horror stories, the worst of which involving an oxygen tank and a time of death (courtesy of friend who cut my hair into a mullet).

During the screening, the tech will ask you standard and predictable questions like whether you have a pacemaker or metal screws in your body. Okay fine. Then comes the whammy question. “Do you currently have an eye-puncture wound?”

I’m sorry? What? No. What? Why? Can this imaging test cause my EYES TO EXPLODE? But then I remembered something, again courtesy of friend who cut my hair into a mullet. (I should mention he’s a doctor. He was a doctor in training when he cut my hair. I have to assume he makes much better decisions when he has someone’s life in his hands. Actually, if I lived in his area, I’d probably choose him as a PCP or at least recommend him to my friends. He strikes me as a good diagnostician. And I can also see him doing this, which makes me want him as my doctor even more.)

Anyway. He told me that professional welders need to be careful about getting an MRI because the magnetic…ism?…. will rip the metal out of their eyes.

Oh dear lord. Even typing that…Hold on. I need a moment.

Okay, I’m back. I’m not a professional welder so I removed my wedding band (which I’m not convinced is actual metal anyway) and my belt and climbed on the gurney into the tube. I had been asked on my pre-reg form what kind of music I wanted to hear while in the tube and all I could think to write was “Not Yanni,” so they gave me headphones with some classic rock and I was on my way.

Like I said, it’s not bad if you close your eyes. And the tech is always talking to you over the headset, like “This test is going to take three and a half minutes. You’ll hear some buzzing sounds.” Then, you get a moment to move a little before you give the okay and then the tech will say, “This next test will last six minutes. Let me know when you’re ready.” It’s all fine and I even tried to convince myself I was in a massage tube like you see at the mall. Plus, the tech hands you an emergency LET ME OUT bulb that you can squeeze if you really start to freak out.

Side note: I hopped into one of those aqua massage units while I was in Vegas with some friends. My friend Caroline (Watson in this post and wife to guy who cut my hair) got into the machine facing up. Can you see why I like hanging out with these people?

Back to the MRI. At one point, I opened my eyes and realized the top of tube was literally inches from my face, which got me a little nervous, which forced me to swallow hard, which I wasn’t supposed to do because I had to keep my neck completely still, which made me think only about swallowing, which made me swallow again, which made me think about how I wasn’t supposed to move, which made me think about that itch on my nose, which made me want to move my arms, which made me realize I couldn’t move my arms because I was in a coffin a real coffin and the sides were closing in and why isn’t this Valium working the way it’s supposed to and how am I supposed to scratch this itch on my nose oh crap now my ear is itchy and I hate Styx why are they playing Styx on the headphones and just open your eyes open your eyes it’s okay open…. then I saw it. A thin little blue line running down the length of the tube. It gave me perspective and something to focus on. I was calmed almost immediately. (Yes, I see it. This entire paragraph is nearly one entire TWSS.)

I took a deep breath (but not too deep don’t move your neck or throat oh my go–thin blue line look at the thin blue line).

Styx stopped playing and a gentle voice came over my headphones. “Okay, we’re done with that test. We’re moving onto the next one. Why don’t you stretch your fingers and take a deep breath, clear your throat, and you let me know when we can get started again. This next test will be three minutes long. You’re doing great.”

I closed my eyes. I felt for the tiny bulb in my hand. I took a deep breath. “Ready.”

And before I knew it, the test was over.

If you ever need an MRI, I can tell you. It’s not that bad. It really isn’t.